An Open Letter to North Korea

Dear Czar / Dictator / Crazy Short Guy That Rules North Korea -

Today is a very important day in American History. In fact, this is probably more important than the Iraq War or maybe 9/11...perhaps we should just take those out of the history books now to make room for today. You see - today is Michael Jackson Day. This guy was proclaimed King of Pop and an alleged child molester....but you know, we must make sure and give this man his due by shutting down an entire city and devoting the entire day of news coverage to him without commercial breaks.

Please refrain from testing your nukes or shooting at Hawaii until tomorrow at the very least...because Michael Jackon's funeral is far more important than any other thing that could, would, or will happen in America today. We can't really be concerned with you and your silly missles today. You could spend the day trying on a single glove made shiny by the bones of your starving people. You could moonwalk on their backs. Just please - give us yet another day of mourning and please...don't let anyone catch you on camera shouting, "HEE HEE! OW!" while doing the crotch grab because it would totally detract from your nuke brandishing bad guy appearance.

Most sincerely...or at least as sincere as I can be on Michael Jackson Day....

65 days until Sooner football!!

Help me out, loyal subjects!

Faster than a meth addict...

More powerful than [fill in the blank - previously had: more powerful than my 6'4 brother]

Able to leap objections in a single bound...

It's Tuesday Paralegal! Tuesday is a very busy day around these parts.

You did what?!

It isn't often I question Nana Beachy. She is a level headed, smart, down home woman.

Today, though, I had to question, "You did what?!"

She and Papa and Fatty McChuckles and Peg Leg and The Lil Miss went to Branson this past weekend. She is now the proud owner of a $200 per month payment for a time share she only gets to use once a year for a week. Sorry, but I wouldn't pay $2400 for a two room suite anywhere let alone Branson. I like Branson, but she said it best herself...the best Elvis impersonators are in Las Vegas.

If you are the sensitive, politically correct type this post isn't for you

I guess Michael Jackson either couldn't take the thought of Farrah Fawcett having no competition in the "prettiest white woman" category in heaven...

Happy birthday!

This should have been posted yesterday, but we were at White Water Bay.

Crown Prince Bryonicle turned 11 yesterday...yes indeed, loyal subjects, I did let him live to see 11. He thinks it will be a grand year seeing as how 11 is his "lucky" number.

Wow

The things people will do to get a social security check. A man impersonates his dead mother....only in New York.

Bad Parenting 101

Lesson 1....

Get so drunk your kid has to save you from the house fire.

Still...I am a bad girl!

I guess I will never learn how to behave. I can't help it. Maybe I have some sort of disorder that forces me to say things...kind of like Tourette's but I have to make a witty remark when I get the chance.

Me: What did the doctor say about your neck?

My mother has complained for a few days about part of her neck being swollen.

Mom: He said that my salivary gland is clogged up. He put me on antibiotics.

Me: If you stopped sucking up, your spit gland wouldn't clog up.

At least she thought it was funny!